Tag: life in general

A writer’s dream come true.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

We are in the last weeks here in southern California and I’m so fucking excited I can’t stand it. I’ll have clean air and views. I plan to dive hard into writing, and I have a number of projects… some patterns, some not. After I map everything out I should have a better timeline in regards in which to better prioritize. I can blare opera and sing and do all the weird things I do when I’m in the mode 🙈.

Walls are thin here, and my lungs large so. Yeah. Singing just hasn’t been happening much and it makes my stress and pain levels significantly worse to not kick up my body’s chemicals with my voice like I usually do to control things somewhat better. I feel like a caged bird, we’ve had a number of complaints because I am just NOT quiet lol, I have a five octave operatic range. I hurt ears okay.

My first goals are to develop two patterns, knit legwarmers and crochet travelers notebook cover. As well as continue a fiction novel I’ve got years in and a new fiction. I’m not ready for memoirs yet. 🤷‍♀️

Quiet on the homefront.

~ El ~ Leave a comment
Level 50!

We have been busy filing taxes and doing what needs to be done for our move next month. I’m so excited! The air pollution where we are is awful and I’m looking forward to being able to breathe alright again. Beginning the packing and purging and feels like we have a good grasp on everything. My life never goes this smoothly! 😅

🍕🦁🖤

I have been taking a break from most social media, except Twitter, I quite enjoy Twitter. I am largely focused on my journaling, writing, reading, and games. Azur Lane has become my main game besides Girls Frontline. It’s so free to play friendly and I’m already at level 50 and am doing good (I think lol) for a week in. In GFL I finally got my second legendary shotgun, I feel like I have enough good SGs and MGs to hit the next chapter work maps well once I finish leveling and linking them. I’m happy! I began Cocoppa Dolls as well… once I figure out the supporter program thing I’ll link my info in a new article. 🖤

Buzz buzz.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a hectic holiday and early year for us. We have a lot going on with the out of state move and upcoming wedding. Okay, maybe a lot is an understatement 😆

Between how I’ve been feeling and preparing to move, I haven’t been around much and for that I apologize. Things should be starting to calm down in April or so once we’ve had the chance to unpack and get settled. This weekend we start packing already!

I’ll still be posting when I can!

The “EDS ninja.”

~ El ~ Leave a comment

I am a middle aged, engaged female who was born crippled. Amazingly adaptable and resilient, it wasn’t even known I was disabled until I reached my 30s. This is essentially the reason behind the name “EDS ninja:”

All of my life I’ve had to use my intellect to modify my surroundings to work for me and use items to help me do so. Sometimes, I’ve even had to modify myself… mainly with the way I think.

I spend 98% of my days on a couch or in bed and need a wheelchair to get around for any distance as my bones no longer want to even support my body. I’m currently recovering from stress fractures on my left tibia and fibula and it’s not pleasurable, but it’s my life. And, what I deal with makes me strong at a level able bodied folks can’t attain (nor understand 😆)… it isn’t a curse of God, some punishment for some misdeed, nor am I a malingerer… I was simply born with a LOT of mutated DNA.

My soon to be husband and I are about to move to our first homestead. I’ve done quite a lot of things in regards to that lifestyle before, so I know what it entails, but I’m looking forward to it. I’ll enjoy doing the “impossible” not in spite, but because I already know I got this.

A new decade.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

Rebirth is the starting point of healing. 2020 ushers in for me a new era of beginning and 2019 saw the move that made my rebirth come about. I’ve learned a lot in the last year, much less decade. To be honest, I was quite lost and still have hard moments but I learned to slow down and pay attention.

That includes paying attention to a lot of things. In my body, in the behaviors and actions of others, in my surroundings. Paying attention keeps saving my life too. I feel like perhaps I was such a high speed, high strung, obstinate person that my health decline has been happening with the purpose TO slow me down.

Even when I was able bodied I had a gait issue I had to train myself out of at an early age, dancing helped with that as did gymnastics. I’ve been in a self internalized denial most of my life, which at my middle age isn’t something I take lightly. The older I get, the more I realize I sure can and have done some spectacularly DUMB shit 🤣

The loss of the things I was able to do actually does get easier on me as time passes. I modify how I get around myself or the things around me to assist in getting around and it works just fine for me. I’ve had to retrain myself how to write by hand and some other daily tasks others take for granted. I just don’t see the fact that I’m crippled makes me flawed. I’m not flawed. I work with my body and surroundings intellectually. I mean, we all make mistakes and poor choices as we’re all human beings after all. Why should anyone with disabilities be considered imperfect? I suppose that’s something that bothers me as I hear a lot I am too young or too nice looking to “be so sick.” It is what it is.

Modern day calamity.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

I introduced D to the Deadwood series and movie over the last few days. He loved it as much as I do and now we’re doing Hell on Wheels in between football. I may or may not be mildly obsessed with the wild west 😏

I always wanted the life of an adventuring homesteader and you know what? I’m not going to let being severely physically disabled stop me either. I finally have the support, the means, an amazingly like-minded fiancee, and am moving to super rural mountainous Southwest Colorado so now is as good a time as any. I don’t fit in with everyone and their modern consumerism, to say the least.

It’s not going to be anything easy but nothing in my life ever has been and in my experience of it, the best things are worth working and or waiting for. Pretty sure some folks will follow me along (as they do on Facebook) to “see me fail” but to that I say; have fun waiting for that!

Spending the rest of my day in bed with cervicocranial instability symptoms, been a rough day and I’m going to attempt making some cannabis tea. And… if you haven’t seen Deadwood yet, you should. It’s great.

The problems with aspirations.

~ El

Mainly, the problem is solely mine and therein lies the issue as I never have seriously made any New Year Resolutions. It’s not that I have no aspirations, being the way I am, I work on improving myself constantly so it’s basically as if aspiring “to be”… what it is I want to be… is a constant evolving work-in-progress. What I, or anyone, “wants to be” is their own personal matter and one that I at this point am not yet comfortable with sharing. I have shared with those closest to me and only a few “get it” but it’s hard to be me without coming off totally wrongly-– so there it is lol ☺️

For 2020 however… I am changing. I am changing everything. Even down to yup, you got it; making resolutions! So I am going to puzzle this mental world salad and hope you see maybe a little of where I’m both coming and going with this. To be a bit less ‘Lewis Carroll cryptic’ let me attempt to explain. I am what you would probably call either “too much,” “off,” “strange,” or “eccentric,” (those are the ones most used anyway) so I’m a supremely private person. I don’t make a habit of explaining myself but I realize I have to do that blogging so here is my sad attempt.

Certain things about myself (that are not bad nor evil in any way) I simply will not talk about. Ever. Unless to those very close to me. Let me try to explain an example. I enjoy, yes enjoy, helping people. To the point where each of my past partners needed “fixing” so I like to attempt to help others’ lives.
Often, I have done this to my own detriment; now serving in a food kitchen is a thing I have to limit even though it makes my subconscious scream at me that there are starving people who are dependent on me. Like I did being the only parent of the pair who even interacted with our kids as newborns and babies and well into toddlerhood as I also pushed myself to be the sole homemaker while I even did side jobs or worked in a misogynistic former marriage.
So, tl;dr version– I have pushed the shit out of myself in every way imaginable. I have, for some time, been working on changing that and in 2019 took the last step to make that possible.

It was one of the best choices of my life to leave Minnesota. I am positive I wouldn’t be alive right now had I not decided to take a chance and try to change my fate. Did I leave people behind that I miss? Of course I did and while that really blows, it’s part of life and to better a situation, changes must be made. No one will magic you into a change or new situation. You have to do it for yourself.
When I made the choice I was totally spent. I had just gone through a court system that was skewed– at best, and it flayed my mind. On top of my disabilities and conditions, I was losing my sanity and what was worse was it felt like I was WATCHING IT’S LOSS… with the speed of an IV drip.

I developed a nasty form of encephalitis while last year’s holidays occurred and my heart was starting to give me more issues than it ever had before. I had a rape case (which occured just weeks after the removal of my kids) that was being ignored since I had an open case with CPS wanting to terminate my rights to the younger five kids… because I’m disabled. And they didn’t even want to believe I have actual physical disabilities and conditions, no they only went with MENTAL DISABILITY. Mine are chronic complex PTSD and dissociative disorder. Along with being high strung as an Arabian mare and bouts of bad depression when things are super… depressing… included as well in this realm.
Whenever my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or associated conditions were mentioned it was either immediately hushed or a reply of “this doesn’t have anything to do with HER.” Uh oh kaye. You see how they were doing me yet?
They couldn’t prove abuse or neglect (and my therapist agreed I was too fragile from trauma at the time for a trial)– however, I was coerced and pressured into signing some things that I don’t even have memory of them saying and a whole bunch of other trauma related things that are not of much regard to openly speak of at this juncture– but it was 100% never proven and my rape was 100% ignored (they still have the outfit I wore, including my favorite T shirt with HIS blood on the right shoulder). My nightmare ended with losing my youngest five kids because the judge said I couldn’t even care for myself.
Well yes, fine I get that but
a) no one had to be traumatized LEAST OF ALL MY BABIES
b) I had come to the county years previous for help they wouldn’t do crap then, they certainly weren’t now
c) I had a terrible lawyer (the end point the judge heard before decided to remove them was when THE SCHOOL lost D and BLAMED ME. He was just in the new classroom he was supposed to be in! But that part *~*conveniently*~* of course is left out.)

It was a nightmare and it also put my roommate at the time and best friend along with his son and entire family through it with me. My ARHMS worker got to the point where even at the last ‘good’ hearing that things were… and I quote! “Fishy.” Indeed they were. But enough of this experience for now. I have high boundaries on this subject and since it will be fully written, am still processing daily obsessively.

So. My 2020 I’m aiming for is this:

  • Write my book. (I need to get this stuff out and off my chest. Maybe I will be less ragey.)
  • Work hard and focus on my health.
  • Work with Indigenous medicine.
  • Readjusting to mountain living.
  • Being BETTER TO MYSELF, esp when helping others. (I can’t help if I can’t be.)
  • Find peace. It’s starting… but I need more.
  • Get married here:

Mountain folk.

~ El

We GOT THE HOUSE!! I can’t believe it lol! I mean I can, but so much excite and amaze 😆 We have a bit of time to prep and pack, as we will move end of February. Which is great because neither of us, nor my stepdaughter, has winter gear! Since the elevation is just under 7k, I plan to go mainly North Face- extreme mountain climbing type gear and wear. And guns! I will need to buy some firearms *rubs hands with glee ☺️

I don’t feel dread about the cold, I mean I did after all come here to SoCal from rural Minnesota (in a home where the heat didn’t function properly) so I have a good idea of what cold is 🥴 also I know what I will need to improve my quality of life there! I have to make a master list but you can be assured that electric blankets and things of that nature will be on it. We need to also plan for being snowed in for periods of time as well as power losses that could occur. Helicopter rides to the hospital, things like that. I will have to spread Ehlers Danlos awareness (and ME-CFS, LQTS, and others!) but I’m expert at that by now and have set up a file of paperwork outside of my medical records for my healthcare providers. It’s essentially an infinite work-in-progress as I’m constantly finding more wonderful and legit scientific information on Twitter.

Beyond the prep however, is the feeling of contentment that I have about the area we are moving to. It’s near Four Corners. So many awesome things about that area. HEALING ENERGY VORTEX Y’ALL!! Take a look for yourself! Even NASA is investigating Four Corners. Most of all, I am looking forward to the culture. My husband-to-be is Blackfoot so we are looking to put roots here and settle. The community here fits everything that our anarchist hearts have been deeply desiring, and we deserve that at this point in our lives.

It’s official!

~ El ~ Leave a comment

He proposed to me with his grandmother’s dainty ring, as she had very tiny hands as well. I can’t tell you how special that is to me! I’ve found my wedding band… sort of 😸 it will need to be made. I was doing some Pinterest hunting for wedding bands and I found these gorgeous Japanese art pieces.

My hope is perhaps to get either all my kids birthstones or something similar to the colors above but with pearls. I’m in love, I don’t much care for typical looking jewelry so I am on cloud 9!

My dress and boots will be something along these lines. We’re aiming for a Christmas season wedding (2020) at either Disneyland or Disneyworld so I want to do a Brave theme to embrace both our Scottish heritages 🖤

I would like to have a rustic buffet table with traditional Gaelic cuisine. There will be open bar, regardless of myself being allergic– I won’t refuse our guests a good time!

I have some ideas like this one featured here for our photos. Which brings me to my next news:

We decided (for sure this time 😹) to move somewhere other than Arizona. We applied for a really beautiful log home in the mountains near Four Corners. (A place I’ve always been fascinated with!) The woods will be the perfect backdrop for our photographer!

My first wedding was super small and we didn’t really do much for it. D told me he wants me to have the life of my dreams and he is without a doubt proving himself to be a man of his word. Wow, do I love this man.