GFL Snowy Nights Event end.

01/07/202001/07/2020 ~ El ~ Leave a comment

I got all the drops! (Screens below👇) I had a 5 linked Px4 so I got one of her and I cored her 🙈🙈 I missed I think three days total of the Snowy Nights event so I didn’t buy out the event shop, there were some cheesecakes left 🙈 I’m overall super happy with it. I have a nice cozy dorm, scored quite a few costumes and other gem buys along with event freebies. I am continually impressed with this game. I got a large Play card from Santa 😉 and I spent all but a few bucks of it on GFL lol!

I’m quite close to the required chapter (ch8:2 of 6) needed for the new HOC system that will arrive with tonight’s update, so that is my main focus along with my HG-SG-MG team…

I even lucked out with a landmine fairy some weeks ago, so the timing was perfect on her. This team is my current project for both the next major event and night battle progression. I have some other SGs too, including a x4 linked Spas but this is my current setup.

This week brings me to end of month two of Girls Frontline and I’m still playing it more than my other games. I picked up Dream Girlfriend again, it’s been an on/off game of mine for a few years and Love Nikki daily (again). I’m waiting on 2 games to release; Coccoppa Dolls & Arknights. Lastly, I’ve been working on my video skills so I can begin making walkthroughs that folks have asked for (though there are many great ones on YouTube already!!).

A new decade.

01/03/2020 ~ El ~ Leave a comment

Rebirth is the starting point of healing. 2020 ushers in for me a new era of beginning and 2019 saw the move that made my rebirth come about. I’ve learned a lot in the last year, much less decade. To be honest, I was quite lost and still have hard moments but I learned to slow down and pay attention.

That includes paying attention to a lot of things. In my body, in the behaviors and actions of others, in my surroundings. Paying attention keeps saving my life too. I feel like perhaps I was such a high speed, high strung, obstinate person that my health decline has been happening with the purpose TO slow me down.

Even when I was able bodied I had a gait issue I had to train myself out of at an early age, dancing helped with that as did gymnastics. I’ve been in a self internalized denial most of my life, which at my middle age isn’t something I take lightly. The older I get, the more I realize I sure can and have done some spectacularly DUMB shit 🤣

The loss of the things I was able to do actually does get easier on me as time passes. I modify how I get around myself or the things around me to assist in getting around and it works just fine for me. I’ve had to retrain myself how to write by hand and some other daily tasks others take for granted. I just don’t see the fact that I’m crippled makes me flawed. I’m not flawed. I work with my body and surroundings intellectually. I mean, we all make mistakes and poor choices as we’re all human beings after all. Why should anyone with disabilities be considered imperfect? I suppose that’s something that bothers me as I hear a lot I am too young or too nice looking to “be so sick.” It is what it is.

The problems with aspirations.

12/26/201912/26/2019 ~ El

Mainly, the problem is solely mine and therein lies the issue as I never have seriously made any New Year Resolutions. It’s not that I have no aspirations, being the way I am, I work on improving myself constantly so it’s basically as if aspiring “to be”… what it is I want to be… is a constant evolving work-in-progress. What I, or anyone, “wants to be” is their own personal matter and one that I at this point am not yet comfortable with sharing. I have shared with those closest to me and only a few “get it” but it’s hard to be me without coming off totally wrongly-– so there it is lol ☺️

For 2020 however… I am changing. I am changing everything. Even down to yup, you got it; making resolutions! So I am going to puzzle this mental world salad and hope you see maybe a little of where I’m both coming and going with this. To be a bit less ‘Lewis Carroll cryptic’ let me attempt to explain. I am what you would probably call either “too much,” “off,” “strange,” or “eccentric,” (those are the ones most used anyway) so I’m a supremely private person. I don’t make a habit of explaining myself but I realize I have to do that blogging so here is my sad attempt.

Certain things about myself (that are not bad nor evil in any way) I simply will not talk about. Ever. Unless to those very close to me. Let me try to explain an example. I enjoy, yes enjoy, helping people. To the point where each of my past partners needed “fixing” so I like to attempt to help others’ lives.
Often, I have done this to my own detriment; now serving in a food kitchen is a thing I have to limit even though it makes my subconscious scream at me that there are starving people who are dependent on me. Like I did being the only parent of the pair who even interacted with our kids as newborns and babies and well into toddlerhood as I also pushed myself to be the sole homemaker while I even did side jobs or worked in a misogynistic former marriage.
So, tl;dr version– I have pushed the shit out of myself in every way imaginable. I have, for some time, been working on changing that and in 2019 took the last step to make that possible.

It was one of the best choices of my life to leave Minnesota. I am positive I wouldn’t be alive right now had I not decided to take a chance and try to change my fate. Did I leave people behind that I miss? Of course I did and while that really blows, it’s part of life and to better a situation, changes must be made. No one will magic you into a change or new situation. You have to do it for yourself.
When I made the choice I was totally spent. I had just gone through a court system that was skewed– at best, and it flayed my mind. On top of my disabilities and conditions, I was losing my sanity and what was worse was it felt like I was WATCHING IT’S LOSS… with the speed of an IV drip.

I developed a nasty form of encephalitis while last year’s holidays occurred and my heart was starting to give me more issues than it ever had before. I had a rape case (which occured just weeks after the removal of my kids) that was being ignored since I had an open case with CPS wanting to terminate my rights to the younger five kids… because I’m disabled. And they didn’t even want to believe I have actual physical disabilities and conditions, no they only went with MENTAL DISABILITY. Mine are chronic complex PTSD and dissociative disorder. Along with being high strung as an Arabian mare and bouts of bad depression when things are super… depressing… included as well in this realm.
Whenever my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or associated conditions were mentioned it was either immediately hushed or a reply of “this doesn’t have anything to do with HER.” Uh oh kaye. You see how they were doing me yet?
They couldn’t prove abuse or neglect (and my therapist agreed I was too fragile from trauma at the time for a trial)– however, I was coerced and pressured into signing some things that I don’t even have memory of them saying and a whole bunch of other trauma related things that are not of much regard to openly speak of at this juncture– but it was 100% never proven and my rape was 100% ignored (they still have the outfit I wore, including my favorite T shirt with HIS blood on the right shoulder). My nightmare ended with losing my youngest five kids because the judge said I couldn’t even care for myself.
Well yes, fine I get that but
a) no one had to be traumatized LEAST OF ALL MY BABIES
b) I had come to the county years previous for help they wouldn’t do crap then, they certainly weren’t now
c) I had a terrible lawyer (the end point the judge heard before decided to remove them was when THE SCHOOL lost D and BLAMED ME. He was just in the new classroom he was supposed to be in! But that part *~*conveniently*~* of course is left out.)

It was a nightmare and it also put my roommate at the time and best friend along with his son and entire family through it with me. My ARHMS worker got to the point where even at the last ‘good’ hearing that things were… and I quote! “Fishy.” Indeed they were. But enough of this experience for now. I have high boundaries on this subject and since it will be fully written, am still processing ~~daily~~ obsessively.

So. My 2020 I’m aiming for is this:

Write my book. (I need to get this stuff out and off my chest. Maybe I will be less ragey.)
Work hard and focus on my health.
Work with Indigenous medicine.
Readjusting to mountain living.
Being BETTER TO MYSELF, esp when helping others. (I can’t help if I can’t be.)
Find peace. It’s starting… but I need more.
Get married here: