December last year was really a huge struggle. I was dealing with being totally alone on the holidays, stress, pain, and missing my kids intensely. I was suicidal and ideated nearly daily. I was stuck in Minnesota with literally no one but my best friend, and I had deep guilt over being his burden. I was absolutely miserable, had no hope for the future and felt like I meant nothing to everyone.
My health was awful. My blood pressure was high, they told me from stress. My pulse wasn’t any better. These photos are readings AT REST (I’m bedridden) and aren’t even the worst ones I had. Sometimes I’d max both systolic and diastolic at well over 200.
December this year is quite different. Some things are the same; the pain and missing my babies more than anything. When your kids are stolen from you, it’s even a physical hurt. The hurt is in my heart and solar plexus. I’ve still been dealing with rhythm and palpitation issues but my stress is the lowest it’s ever been in my life. Which is saying one hell of a lot 🤣
Now I have D. I have hope for the future. I have means. I am completely and totally independent of Government assistance, which means they have no cause to poke their noses into my life. Not like they had much cause to begin with. I am a individualist anarchist of the theological school. I don’t need a thing from them and that makes me feel not only happy but at peace. New concept for me, as I’ve had a wild life.
2020 is going to be amazing. Moving, planning a Disneyland wedding, looking for service dog… I have all sorts of things to look forward to. For the first time. Ever.
eds ninja 