Tag: blogging

A writer’s dream come true.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

We are in the last weeks here in southern California and I’m so fucking excited I can’t stand it. I’ll have clean air and views. I plan to dive hard into writing, and I have a number of projects… some patterns, some not. After I map everything out I should have a better timeline in regards in which to better prioritize. I can blare opera and sing and do all the weird things I do when I’m in the mode 🙈.

Walls are thin here, and my lungs large so. Yeah. Singing just hasn’t been happening much and it makes my stress and pain levels significantly worse to not kick up my body’s chemicals with my voice like I usually do to control things somewhat better. I feel like a caged bird, we’ve had a number of complaints because I am just NOT quiet lol, I have a five octave operatic range. I hurt ears okay.

My first goals are to develop two patterns, knit legwarmers and crochet travelers notebook cover. As well as continue a fiction novel I’ve got years in and a new fiction. I’m not ready for memoirs yet. 🤷‍♀️

Quiet on the homefront.

~ El ~ Leave a comment
Level 50!

We have been busy filing taxes and doing what needs to be done for our move next month. I’m so excited! The air pollution where we are is awful and I’m looking forward to being able to breathe alright again. Beginning the packing and purging and feels like we have a good grasp on everything. My life never goes this smoothly! 😅

🍕🦁🖤

I have been taking a break from most social media, except Twitter, I quite enjoy Twitter. I am largely focused on my journaling, writing, reading, and games. Azur Lane has become my main game besides Girls Frontline. It’s so free to play friendly and I’m already at level 50 and am doing good (I think lol) for a week in. In GFL I finally got my second legendary shotgun, I feel like I have enough good SGs and MGs to hit the next chapter work maps well once I finish leveling and linking them. I’m happy! I began Cocoppa Dolls as well… once I figure out the supporter program thing I’ll link my info in a new article. 🖤

Azur Lane

~ El ~ Leave a comment
Add me on Azur Lane 😄

I just picked Azure Lane up yesterday and I think I might like it more than Arknights, we shall see! I played it once before but my kids skipped tutorials so I had NO idea what I was doing. It makes a lot more sense now lol! It’s great for passing the time and I think I’ll keep it since I reached level 30 already. It’s a decent start.

LUCKILY, I managed to start on the Sandy server, which is relatively new so the timing was great. Belfast was one of the reward ships and I have enough gems I’m hoarding for most likely her Live 2D costume releasing end of this month. I sorta love it ☺️☺️

Three main games 🖤

I’ll keep playing both AL and Arknights to see how they go. I do enjoy both and now that leaves Cocoppa Dolls releasing Monday (January 20th)! One thing I’ve been grateful for with my discovery of some amazing anime games is that I was able to delete most of the games off my phone, which was a significant amount lmao! Things feel much lighter these days!

One page, this is epic.

Arknights: First day.

~ El ~ Leave a comment
Add me as a friend! Jorii#5691
My first 10-roll was not too bad!
Who I chose from pre-registration gift 🖤

I was a little late and have been busy to give it my undivided attention yet, but I am LOVING this game! Arknights is a tower defense strategy game that was globally released today.

Once I more than just cut my teeth on it, I’ll write up a better review but I have to say that I have no complaints so far, the story is lovingly cheesy (a la Girls Frontline), the characters edgy and I can’t wait to get more gameplay under my belt… welp, you know where to find me!

Buzz buzz.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a hectic holiday and early year for us. We have a lot going on with the out of state move and upcoming wedding. Okay, maybe a lot is an understatement 😆

Between how I’ve been feeling and preparing to move, I haven’t been around much and for that I apologize. Things should be starting to calm down in April or so once we’ve had the chance to unpack and get settled. This weekend we start packing already!

I’ll still be posting when I can!

A new decade.

~ El ~ Leave a comment

Rebirth is the starting point of healing. 2020 ushers in for me a new era of beginning and 2019 saw the move that made my rebirth come about. I’ve learned a lot in the last year, much less decade. To be honest, I was quite lost and still have hard moments but I learned to slow down and pay attention.

That includes paying attention to a lot of things. In my body, in the behaviors and actions of others, in my surroundings. Paying attention keeps saving my life too. I feel like perhaps I was such a high speed, high strung, obstinate person that my health decline has been happening with the purpose TO slow me down.

Even when I was able bodied I had a gait issue I had to train myself out of at an early age, dancing helped with that as did gymnastics. I’ve been in a self internalized denial most of my life, which at my middle age isn’t something I take lightly. The older I get, the more I realize I sure can and have done some spectacularly DUMB shit 🤣

The loss of the things I was able to do actually does get easier on me as time passes. I modify how I get around myself or the things around me to assist in getting around and it works just fine for me. I’ve had to retrain myself how to write by hand and some other daily tasks others take for granted. I just don’t see the fact that I’m crippled makes me flawed. I’m not flawed. I work with my body and surroundings intellectually. I mean, we all make mistakes and poor choices as we’re all human beings after all. Why should anyone with disabilities be considered imperfect? I suppose that’s something that bothers me as I hear a lot I am too young or too nice looking to “be so sick.” It is what it is.

The problems with aspirations.

~ El

Mainly, the problem is solely mine and therein lies the issue as I never have seriously made any New Year Resolutions. It’s not that I have no aspirations, being the way I am, I work on improving myself constantly so it’s basically as if aspiring “to be”… what it is I want to be… is a constant evolving work-in-progress. What I, or anyone, “wants to be” is their own personal matter and one that I at this point am not yet comfortable with sharing. I have shared with those closest to me and only a few “get it” but it’s hard to be me without coming off totally wrongly-– so there it is lol ☺️

For 2020 however… I am changing. I am changing everything. Even down to yup, you got it; making resolutions! So I am going to puzzle this mental world salad and hope you see maybe a little of where I’m both coming and going with this. To be a bit less ‘Lewis Carroll cryptic’ let me attempt to explain. I am what you would probably call either “too much,” “off,” “strange,” or “eccentric,” (those are the ones most used anyway) so I’m a supremely private person. I don’t make a habit of explaining myself but I realize I have to do that blogging so here is my sad attempt.

Certain things about myself (that are not bad nor evil in any way) I simply will not talk about. Ever. Unless to those very close to me. Let me try to explain an example. I enjoy, yes enjoy, helping people. To the point where each of my past partners needed “fixing” so I like to attempt to help others’ lives.
Often, I have done this to my own detriment; now serving in a food kitchen is a thing I have to limit even though it makes my subconscious scream at me that there are starving people who are dependent on me. Like I did being the only parent of the pair who even interacted with our kids as newborns and babies and well into toddlerhood as I also pushed myself to be the sole homemaker while I even did side jobs or worked in a misogynistic former marriage.
So, tl;dr version– I have pushed the shit out of myself in every way imaginable. I have, for some time, been working on changing that and in 2019 took the last step to make that possible.

It was one of the best choices of my life to leave Minnesota. I am positive I wouldn’t be alive right now had I not decided to take a chance and try to change my fate. Did I leave people behind that I miss? Of course I did and while that really blows, it’s part of life and to better a situation, changes must be made. No one will magic you into a change or new situation. You have to do it for yourself.
When I made the choice I was totally spent. I had just gone through a court system that was skewed– at best, and it flayed my mind. On top of my disabilities and conditions, I was losing my sanity and what was worse was it felt like I was WATCHING IT’S LOSS… with the speed of an IV drip.

I developed a nasty form of encephalitis while last year’s holidays occurred and my heart was starting to give me more issues than it ever had before. I had a rape case (which occured just weeks after the removal of my kids) that was being ignored since I had an open case with CPS wanting to terminate my rights to the younger five kids… because I’m disabled. And they didn’t even want to believe I have actual physical disabilities and conditions, no they only went with MENTAL DISABILITY. Mine are chronic complex PTSD and dissociative disorder. Along with being high strung as an Arabian mare and bouts of bad depression when things are super… depressing… included as well in this realm.
Whenever my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or associated conditions were mentioned it was either immediately hushed or a reply of “this doesn’t have anything to do with HER.” Uh oh kaye. You see how they were doing me yet?
They couldn’t prove abuse or neglect (and my therapist agreed I was too fragile from trauma at the time for a trial)– however, I was coerced and pressured into signing some things that I don’t even have memory of them saying and a whole bunch of other trauma related things that are not of much regard to openly speak of at this juncture– but it was 100% never proven and my rape was 100% ignored (they still have the outfit I wore, including my favorite T shirt with HIS blood on the right shoulder). My nightmare ended with losing my youngest five kids because the judge said I couldn’t even care for myself.
Well yes, fine I get that but
a) no one had to be traumatized LEAST OF ALL MY BABIES
b) I had come to the county years previous for help they wouldn’t do crap then, they certainly weren’t now
c) I had a terrible lawyer (the end point the judge heard before decided to remove them was when THE SCHOOL lost D and BLAMED ME. He was just in the new classroom he was supposed to be in! But that part *~*conveniently*~* of course is left out.)

It was a nightmare and it also put my roommate at the time and best friend along with his son and entire family through it with me. My ARHMS worker got to the point where even at the last ‘good’ hearing that things were… and I quote! “Fishy.” Indeed they were. But enough of this experience for now. I have high boundaries on this subject and since it will be fully written, am still processing daily obsessively.

So. My 2020 I’m aiming for is this:

  • Write my book. (I need to get this stuff out and off my chest. Maybe I will be less ragey.)
  • Work hard and focus on my health.
  • Work with Indigenous medicine.
  • Readjusting to mountain living.
  • Being BETTER TO MYSELF, esp when helping others. (I can’t help if I can’t be.)
  • Find peace. It’s starting… but I need more.
  • Get married here:

Merry Christmas.

~ El
While we tend to follow pagan traditions primarily (as that is our spirituality!) we also partake in some of the modern-day Americanized Christmas ones, but we mostly still just do it our way 😸 I’m looking forward to the holidays next year in the new home, I’ll have MUCH better pics to share, as it’s rather tiny here and we couldn’t even be arsed to do a tree lol…
From our home to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas! 🎄🕯🖤

Mountain folk.

~ El

We GOT THE HOUSE!! I can’t believe it lol! I mean I can, but so much excite and amaze 😆 We have a bit of time to prep and pack, as we will move end of February. Which is great because neither of us, nor my stepdaughter, has winter gear! Since the elevation is just under 7k, I plan to go mainly North Face- extreme mountain climbing type gear and wear. And guns! I will need to buy some firearms *rubs hands with glee ☺️

I don’t feel dread about the cold, I mean I did after all come here to SoCal from rural Minnesota (in a home where the heat didn’t function properly) so I have a good idea of what cold is 🥴 also I know what I will need to improve my quality of life there! I have to make a master list but you can be assured that electric blankets and things of that nature will be on it. We need to also plan for being snowed in for periods of time as well as power losses that could occur. Helicopter rides to the hospital, things like that. I will have to spread Ehlers Danlos awareness (and ME-CFS, LQTS, and others!) but I’m expert at that by now and have set up a file of paperwork outside of my medical records for my healthcare providers. It’s essentially an infinite work-in-progress as I’m constantly finding more wonderful and legit scientific information on Twitter.

Beyond the prep however, is the feeling of contentment that I have about the area we are moving to. It’s near Four Corners. So many awesome things about that area. HEALING ENERGY VORTEX Y’ALL!! Take a look for yourself! Even NASA is investigating Four Corners. Most of all, I am looking forward to the culture. My husband-to-be is Blackfoot so we are looking to put roots here and settle. The community here fits everything that our anarchist hearts have been deeply desiring, and we deserve that at this point in our lives.