- Emotional connection.
The suicidal often feel alone. They may have a partner, a family, friends, but they still feel alone. Because having people around us does not mean we are connected to them. So what is this elusive connection? Being seen for how we truly are – all our bad stuff, and being accepted and loved despite it all. Our desire to feel love is strong, yet can be quite unconscious.
Of course, most of us are far too ashamed of how we feel to let anyone else see it, me included. And in that shame we hide who we really are, or parts of us anyway. Even if we are with people, they don’t see the “real” us – we see that part as unlovable. So who we really are never connects with anyone else, and thus we are isolated – desperately needing connection, too ashamed to make connection.
- Physical connection.
This could be sex (as part of our genetic programming to reproduce, or simply for pleasure), or be something much simpler. The need to be held, touched, hugged, stroked. Studies on monkeys showed massive detrimental effects on those that had no touch from others, and humans are no different – we need touch. - Support.
In today’s world people have become more insular. It is easier to conduct a life from home in front of a PC. People don’t rely on each other anymore – we are fiercely independent. People can’t fall back on a community, a support structure. This can be especially true for those who are not part of a close family. That may be because their family are no longer living or spread over a wide geographical area, or because they simply aren’t close to their parents or siblings.
We need this support desperately. So we have people to fall back on when times are tough. People that can hold us in that space. People we can be ourselves with. People we can really talk to. And people we can have a laugh with, do things with, discuss things with. People that can help us. Sometimes all the therapy and medications in the world just won’t work if people can’t feel part of a group. What constitutes a group is not set in stone – does not need to be a big group, but there is something about multiple people interacting that can be much stronger than just being with people one-on-one.
- Purpose.
Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It might be to look after a family, to earn money for that family, to help friends, to overcome a challenge, to help those in need. There are lots of reasons, but we all need one. - Chronic and terminal illness.
Pretty self explanatory, but speaking from direct experience and being a repeat attempt survivor I get this one. For myself I like to go with the “lame horse” explanation. People suffering from these types of illnesses are going through so much on an hourly, not even daily, basis. It is extremely difficult to find the things in the aforementioned categories if you are confined by bed and/or body. Thus, I believe that those suffering with these illnesses should be considered more emotionally needy especially since we can’t get much of what’s mentioned in the previous categories. Quality of life should always be considered by loved ones and healthcare workers. The lower the quality of life is, the more detrimental effect it is going to have on the ill individual.
For an example: In my darkest place, I tend to feel that it’s others’ selfishness that want me to remain alive. Why? Because I am in so much pain on a constant basis, much of the time it’s excruciating. There is no cure and no treatment to help with my debilitating genetic disease. Do they even understand debilitating? It means each and every single day of the rest of my life is going to go downhill in regards to my body and what I can’t do. I do not want to spend days where my suffering is somehow even 1000 times worse than it is now, it is bad enough! I feel like the people wanting me to be alive are okay with my suffering, and well, it just seems not their call to me. For myself, I see death as finally being able to have peace. Totally new concept here.
Pain! The pain that chronic or terminally ill people experience is usually constant and unrelenting. They may have better days at times but each day is seen completely different by the ill person themselves, most especially once their perceptions have shifted towards suicide. They have no hope because they have nearly literally been told not to by healthcare workers: “Your illness can’t be cured” “There is no treatment for this illness” or worse “Be prepared to have a greatly shortened lifespan” or worse yet “Your illness is terminal.”
Please place these as considerations if you experience a friend or loved one who is suicidal. This is all referring to people with serious plans to cease existing, not cries for help. Suicide attempts and ideation are nasty motherfuckers I’ve been in an active war with since I was a small child due to recurrent traumas along with my bodily struggles. I’ve been doing pretty darn good these days but believe me when I say I do know that dark place all too well…
Artwork featured at the beginning of this article is The Death of Buddha of the Kamakura period (14th century) Japan.
eds ninja 